I’ve written this post about 18 times now, and I keep deleting it and starting over. I don’t know why. It’s nothing necessarily profound or controversial, and arguably it might not even be interesting. Yet I still can’t seem to wrap words around it. But I guess it’s still worth getting down in writing.
Waiting is hard.
Hilda (the niñera) and I have been talking about that alot lately (in spanish, which is also hard), because both of us are sitting right in the middle of a season of waiting. We’re waiting for two different things, but they’re both things that are good and beautiful, and God promises that they’ll be a blessing. We keep coming back to the fact that waiting is always hard…especially waiting for the good things from God, but it’s also always worth it. Even the wait itself is a blessing.
But in this case, it’s sometimes hard to see it that way. I’m waiting to bring my soon-to-be-adopted children home.
In many ways it’s nothing new, because we’ve been waiting for almost 2 years now. But as time marches on, I am more and more aware that I have children out there growing up without me. There are years that I am missing, vital life stages passing by without hugs and kisses and snuggles from their mama. I’m ready to bring them home. To kiss all my babies goodnight and tuck them in under one roof, instead of wondering if they’re sitting in a dark orphanage somewhere in a room full of other equally neglected children.
It is always heavy on my mind. Sometimes it’s back in the recesses of my thoughts, sometimes it’s right in the front and pushing me to tears throughout the day. But it’s always there. And it’s hard to think of the wait itself as a blessing when there are little lives at stake. The longer the wait, the longer my children sit in an orphanage somewhere. That’s hard to swallow. And who knows how many I have out there? For this adoption it could just be one, but maybe there are 2 or 3 more out there that I’ll have to wait a few more years for. Years. I hate the wait for my sake, but even more than that, I despise the wait for their sake.
And yet, still, I know it to be true. Somehow, this stage is a blessing. Somehow, I’m trusting the Lord that the reason all my other babies aren’t here under my roof with me is because he knows best, and right now, this is what is best. Somehow. If I believe that his ways are higher and his timing is perfect, I have to believe that to be true even in this. Even while I wait. Even while they wait….in an orphanage.
I do believe that. God has taken me through several phases of life where I’ve had to cling to that truth, phases where the waiting was hard. And yet none of them were this hard. In the past, I was waiting for an answer, or something to come to fruition, or a circumstance to change. In many ways, the things I was waiting for were abstract. They were concepts and ideas. But these are lives. Real children in real orphanages with real hurts and needs. I don’t know how to explain it. But God is asking me to trust in his timing on a whole new level right now.
Like I said, waiting is hard.
We have paperwork sitting in a Colombian government office at this very moment, waiting to be approved. God could have that paperwork processed, stamped, and cleared this afternoon if he chose to. And he might. Or he might not. Here in Latin America, things move at a slower pace… and that includes processing paperwork. But either way, at the end of the day I will choose to praise him for how today turned out, because whether our file sat untouched on a desk all day long, or whether it was passed through the chain of approval, it wasn’t an accident.
I cling to the fact that he is sovereign, that he loves these children more than I ever could, that one day I will actually see the beautiful part that this wait played in the bigger story of our family. And I learn once again that it is good and sweet to trust in the Lord….because right now all I can do is wait.