Panic.

This is long, so take a seat.  I tend to go for awhile when I’m talking about adoption. I can’t help it.

Like I said, now we’re moving to Colombia.  But at first, I didn’t know that.  All I knew was that there was talk about having to make some significant changes to our 2-year training period.

I’m a mama, and my first thought was, “what if they change it by moving us to another country? what about my child? what about my adoption?”  I got a little panicky.

You know the funny thing about panicking?  It’s pointless. I serve the creator of the universe who holds the entire world — me included — in the palm of his hand, who knows every thought and desire of my heart, who had his plan for me and my life (and that of all of my children) laid out before the foundations of the world.   Yet the moment I get wind of something that I’m unsure about, my heart starts doubting his power, doubting his sovereignty, doubting his control.  My mind says, “but Lord, look what happened!” and I act like he’s scrambling as much as I am.

But he’s not.  There is no scrambling with God.  No panicking.  No anxiety or stress.  His plan is sure, and his plan for me is sure.  There is no reason to panic when your Father is the God of the universe.

But a couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of doubt.  My need for control reared its ugly head, and I went into all-out Mama Bear mode defending a child I have yet to meet but have loved for years. I told Nate, “What if they move us? Don’t they know we’re adopting from Costa Rica?  I can’t leave Costa Rica because we have to live there to make this adoption work.  They can’t make me stop this adoption! What will we do if they make us stop the adoption?!”   See what I mean?  Panic. 

And of course, Nate, the ever-calm, level-headed one, says, “let’s just wait and see.  We don’t know any details yet.  Let’s just wait and see what the changes will be, and we’ll figure it out from there.”   Easier said than done.

But before I let it go for the night, I told him, “But our adoption agency only works in two countries in Latin America…Costa Rica and Colombia.  It’s not like we can just move this adoption wherever we want.  If they move us, we can’t adopt.  We’ll have to put it on hold.   It’s Costa Rica or nothing.  Or Colombia, but it’s not like there’s any plan to move us there, so that would never happen.  So basically Colombia or nothing, and that’s impossible.  Lord, please don’t make me stop this adoption.”

And I laid in bed half the night worrying, praying that the Lord would let me continue pursuing the unknown child that has already been so long in my heart.

The very next morning, Nate and Josh had a conference call scheduled with our missions agency to talk about the changes in our training program.  It was a long call, and I wasn’t in the room so I didn’t hear the conversation. But a few hours later, Nate emerged from the room with a grin on his face.

“You won’t believe this. They feel the best place for us to train might be Colombia.”

I could have burst into tears right then.  I had just told Nate the night before that it was Costa Rica or nothing.  That the only other option was Colombia, which I thought was far-fetched and impossible.  I thought it was falling apart, but little did I know that the Lord had already provided a team and location equipped to sustain our training ministry in the exact same city that our adoption agency works.  The only other city in Latin America that could have worked.

But it gets better.

I called the adoption agency that day and said, “it looks like we might be moving our mission work from Costa Rica to Colombia…so this is going to change our adoption plans.”

Our rep said, “Are you kidding me?  Nikki, I’m not going to lie to you.  I have honestly been thinking for the past few weeks that Colombian adoption might be a better fit for your family, but I didn’t bring it up because I knew it was logistically impossible for you because you have to live there for 2 months to make it work…and I knew you’d be in Costa Rica.   I can’t believe this is happening right now!”

We talked about the specifics, and it indeed sounds like it’s a better fit.  So we’re moving our adoption from Costa Rica to Colombia.  Plus, with where we are in the process, now is the perfect time to change countries.  If we had waited any longer, it would have been much more difficult to change it.

That night, I laid in the bed and prayed, but with very different thoughts in my heart than the night before.  I confessed that I had doubted the Lord’s plans, his ability to handle such a complicated situation, and how much he cared for the specifics of my  life and my (future) child’s life.  I thanked him for solving my so-called problems long before I ever even knew they existed, and for reminding me of his love in a way that was so tangible that I couldn’t deny it. I praised him for demonstrating his power and control in the midst of my weakness.

So our adoption plan has also changed, but only in location.  We’ve always said we would adopt from wherever we lived at the time, so that’s still what we’re doing.  Our rep at the adoption agency has told me again and again that she can’t believe the way this has worked out, and I can’t help but agree.

But then, I shouldn’t be surprised….because I serve a God who doesn’t panic, even when I do. It’s a good thing he’s in control.

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9 thoughts on “Panic.

  1. I can so relate. We thought we had our adoption plan set a couple of times only to find out that it was not THE adoption plan God had for us. The most heart breaking was when friends that were going through the process with us were actually chosen by a birth mother, spent time with her during the pregnancy, already had a name, the nursery, and then she changed her mind. One couple had this happen three times. But they were a great witness to us because they believed God’s timeing is perfect, his plan is perfect. I love how the experience has strengthen your faith. I think growing families is one of God’s favorite things. Noah and Barrett were set to be your boys before the stars were placed in the sky. How and when and where the rest of your children come into the family are already set too.

  2. Dearest Nate and Nikki,

    Absolutely awesome is our faithful God! When I read your post the other day I thought the “big” one that was to come was going to be the announcement of another pregnancy. Well, it was! Just not quite the way I expected it to be.

    Love you all,

    Marilyn Gehrke Lokey

  3. Greetings and good luck from a new reader from Sweden. It’s amazing how things worked out for you. We’re waiting for a referral from Colombia, from one of the Casa Privadas.

    I wish you a speedy process!

  4. PRAISES! I love how the Lord of all is faithfull, even when we aren’t! I love watching HIM work things out! He is up to something in your lives! Que dios te bendiga!

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