When Nate says “You’re a blog slacker,” you know it’s bad. Especially because he only checks about once a week, maybe less. So if he has checked more than once and has seen no new posts, it’s official: I’m a blog slacker.
Really, though, I’m not. I havent blogged because I’ve chosen not to blog. It’s not that I’ve been too busy or too tired or too anything…. I just wasn’t feelin’ it. I think part of it has to do with my “discipline and organization” New Years Resolution (which is going well, by the way), which often causes me to sit down and do necessary things –like schoolwork, church work, office work, laundry, etc– rather than unnecessary things –like blogging, reading, watching tv, etc. And it’s not that I’m not doing those things anymore, because I AM (don’t you worry, I’ve still made time for reading and tv!), but that I’m learning to prioritize and discipline myself. And that’s something that I’ve been NEEDING to learn to do for a LONG TIME. Like almost 25 years.
But there’s a reason why I have made time for reading or tv, but not blogging. I can’t really put my finger on it exactly, but it basically boils down to me being awfully introspective lately. I have been doing more self-assessment, evaluation, growing, pushing, and praying than I have in a long time. Most of the things that end up spinning around in my head arent really things I want posted on my blog for the world to see. And not because they’re bad or offensive or dark or hurtful or anything else like that, but because they’re… well… personal, I guess.
A lot of it has to do with our future. Going to the Philippines and seeing a small glimpse of the place that God (hopefully!) has picked out for us to serve has been an eye-opener. My thoughts drift back constantly to those children, their sweet mamas, all of those Christian Filipinos who are working so hard to further the gospel there, and the Scotts, who are finally back in Manila. I find myself so anxious sometimes, so ready to pack up and go that I get frustrated and forget that there’s a reason why God has brought us through this process in the way that He has. There’s a reason why He chose for us to spend 4 years praying for a location before He revealed one to us, and there’s a reason why He’s waiting several more before He actually sends us there. His timeline is perfect, and I know that He has alot more growing, changing, and shaping to do before He sends us, and I welcome that time of growth. But sometimes it’s hard when you only see the little picture instead of the big one. I’m a selfish, sinful, foolish girl, and sometimes I really am convinced that my ideas are better. Good thing I’m not in control, huh?
And although all my thoughts and preoccupations aren’t necessarily connected to the mission field, they’re all connected to that growth process within my heart. And I guess when I am trying so hard to quit looking at life through my little selfish lenses and try to see a broader perspective, I’m more likely to start seeing connections from one area of my life to another. Because none of those areas (school, work, church, my marriage, family, relationships, my relationship with God, the future, my thoughts, prayers, hopes, or actions) stand alone, totally unaffected by the others. So when God suddenly starts tweaking my heart in one specific area, it’s like bright red alerts start going off in all of them. It’s impossible for me to experience change in one area without a little re-evaluation in all the others.
And no matter how much time I spend working through all of these other areas, it always comes back around to my heart’s attitude towards the Lord. When I’m in love with Christ, when I’m totally absorbed in the Scriptures, when my heart leaps at the thought of worshiping, when I’m longing with every fiber of my being to serve and glorify God… everything else makes sense. But like I said, I’m a selfish, sinful, foolish girl and those times seem to be few and far between.
And right now I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of heart-gazing, because God is picking me apart and showing me things that I havent seen before. Some of them are welcomed discoveries, others make me want to look away, all are for my own good…of that I can rest assured.
So anyway. It seems my thoughts are consumed these days, and any blogging that I did would take longer, be heavier than normal, and probably wouldn’t make sense to anyone but me (this post =Exhibit A). So bear with me while I take a little blogging break. I’ll be back.