I spent the wee hours of Monday morning in full panic attack mode. Don’t ask me why, because I couldn’t give you an answer. All I know is that my brain was nowhere to be found and I was practically hyperventilating. And I might have thrown a few things across the room, just to release some energy.
Again, don’t ask me why. And I don’t really know why I’m writing this story for the entire internet to see, but since I already started, I guess I’ll just get on with it.
I hadn’t slept well in several days, and the new medicine I’m on to take care of Lance the cyst makes me a little crazy on occasion. Add those two with a huge load of work to be finished by 7:30am the next day, and you’re looking at a natural disaster.
Nate woke up around 2am saying "what is WRONG with you? are you okay?" I don’t know if I even stopped freaking out long enough to answer him. Between sitting there spouting off who-knows-what about how I’m quitting everything because I suck at life in general and I can’t handle the load and nothing is right and I JUST CANT TAKE THE PRESSURE ANYMORE and going to throw up in the bathroom, he convinced me to take something to help me sleep, rearrange my schedule for the next day so that I could actually rest, and come get back in the bed. I took medicine, curled up next to him, and just laid there as he rubbed my back and whispered that everything was okay.
And it was.
I laid there awake long after Nate had fallen back asleep, just listening to him breathe and finding comfort in the consistent rhythm of it. Consistency makes my wheels turn, makes me move forward, makes me able to handle the craziness of life…. so I cling to it wherever I can find it. Early Monday morning, finding it there was all I needed. When I panicked, he was there to comfort me. When I couldn’t sort things out in my head, he helped me find a way to lay out all the pieces and get some perspective. When I was a total wreck, he wrapped his arms around me and loved me anyway.
I love the fact that one of my clearest glimpses into the character of God is through my husband. God promises that his steadfast love never ceases, his mercies never end, and that they are new every morning. If the faithfulness of God isn’t consistent, I don’t know what is! When I doubt, He is there. When I panic, He is there. When I go my own way, He is there. And just in case I forget, he sent me a husband that will remind me in the wee hours of the morning just how much He loves me.