August 1, 2006 ~ Tuesday

Sometimes I don’t post on here because there’s too much going on and I feel like I don’t have time.  Sometimes my computer is being a jerkface and doesnt want to cooperate. Sometimes I just plain forget.  Other times its because everything in my head is un-postworthy.  Lately it’s been the last of these.

Maybe if this was completely anonymous, I would.  I dont know.  There’s way too many of you out there who would talk to me about this stuff, though, and sometimes I just don’t want to talk about it.  I want to vent and get it out of me, but I don’t necessarily want it to come back.  Posting on here leaves way too big of a chance that whatever I write will be brought up by someone else in one of our conversations.  Or everyone would call and tell me how worried they are about me.  I dont want that. That’s what Nate is good for (or my other spiral-bound journal, if he’s not around)…  I can cry and sob and scream and pout and whatever else, and he will let me get it all out, and we don’t have to talk about it ever again if I don’t want to.  He just loves me, and sometimes that’s all I need.

I like to chronicle my life on here, but not always my thoughts.  Sometimes I don’t even want to share those with myself, much less the world (or the small portion of it that comes to this site).

It seems I’m starting to get my life in order… or at least my household. FlyLady is a Godsend.  My house stays clean, our meals are always planned, I always have the right ingredients on hand, I have more free time, I get my classwork done…. all of the things I’ve been saying "If I could just get <blank> handled, things would be so much easier…"  They’re all handled, and it seems like having a chaos-free house only amplifies the chaos in my brain.  Now that there are less distractions and less things begging to be taken care of, I actually have a second here and there to assess what’s going on in my head, which can be a scary thing. Good in the long-run though.  Things need to be sorted out.  Things need to be gotten rid of. Things need to be brought to light.  Sometimes I just need to face myself.  And sometimes I just need to give it all to God and because I know he’ll take it as-is and find it beautiful. 

I love this song:

"Praise You in this Storm" – by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

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2 thoughts on “August 1, 2006 ~ Tuesday

  1. I understand how you feel. I would never be brave enough to write my thought down for someone else to read. What is fly lady?

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